Clinging to Sanity

The term “burnt sugar” may bring any number of sensual images to my mind.  Maybe a taste of burnt sugar cake or burnt sugar frosting or the smell of sugar being reduced to a thick molassesy syrup.  Maybe a kitchen accident.  Maybe the sound of a jazz/funk/rock improvisational band by that name. 

Reading today’s news in Cleveland, the term “burnt sugar” has taken on a very literal meaning.  The Domino sugar warehouse burned last night (or rather in the early morning during third shift).  SWEEET!  Apparantly, fire broke out in the molasses room that has large gas heaters on the ceiling.  Luckily, the fire did not spread next door to the Pierre’s ice cream factory.  I guess that would have been a very unfortunate domino effect.  (sorry—couldn’t resist)

In any case, Cleveland’s near east side must smell candy-coated right now – a welcome scent to a community that has such a bad rep as the country’s poorest city. 

If one were to order a day with perfect weather, that day would be like today.  The temperature is in the 70’s, the sun is out with absolutely NO clouds.  The air is filled with the sounds of birds chirping and happy squirrels nibbling on acorns and getting ready for colder weather which threatens to move in just days or weeks from now. 

There is a very gentle breeze, which beckons me outdoors, but alas, there is a house that needs cleaning. I did spend a few hours outside this morning under the guise of retrieving the garbage cans and the recycling bin from the tree lawn.  Before going outside, I packed a few peanuts and almonds in my pockets to feed my squirrels who were invariably waiting for me to feed them, as though they would starve to death if I were not there to fill their tummies with food more exotic than freshly fallen acorns that litter the yards and driveways in our neighborhood.

I’m gonna go now and quickly clean the house so I can once again go outside and enjoy this perfect day. 

 Just got back from dropping #1 GS off at school after his weekly night at grandma’s house.   I have forgotten what a seventh grader is like—and 7^th graders today are so much more worldly than I was, and the world has changed dramatically.  Gotta watch every site he visits on the internet, listen to the music he listens to.  

Anyway, I love having him spend the night.  I still read to him until he falls asleep, though the books I read are now young adult lit.  Right now, he is reading “Monster” by Walter Dean Myers.   Good book, great author!    Having him spend the night keeps me current on teenagers today, gives me a refresher course on YA lit, AND it forces me out of bed early.  If I don’t have something that gets me up early, I roll out at 10 something.   This way, I can get things done that need to be done.

I stopped at the pet store on the way home to get food for my cats, mice, and fish.  Of those three species, the only ones that seemed eager and even grateful to me were the cats.  I even bought special treats for the mice, and only two of the three even bothered to come out of their ‘den’ to check things out.  The other two seem to be not getting along right now.  Maybe they need me to rearrange their house so they have something else to pay attention to besides each other.  The fish are kind of deep in the pond and slowing down due to the weather, so they were not exactly rushing to nibble on the pond sticks like they were two weeks ago.

Besides cleaning the house and my car today, I don’t have a lot to do.  Writing my blogs seems to be not as exciting anymore—maybe because my life isn’t as dramatic as it was a few years ago.  A blog about my pets seems a bit ho-hum, but it what it is.

Gotta go clean my car.  I’ll try to write tomorrow. 

Once again, it seems like the lives of those around me are going through their own private hells as I breeze through by some lucky stroke of chance (or some chancy stroke of luck).  Is it mere coincidence or the results of choices we make or some combination of these things that lead to horrible or at the very least undesirable outcomes we face at various times in our lives. 

First my friend and neighbor, N- - - -, chose to file for divorce from her husband of 10 years because she has fallen out of love for him and has decided that maybe she never truly loved him at all, or at least not for a really long time.  It has gotten spiteful, as divorce will, and both have shown their malevolent sides.  And she is normally such a kind and peaceful person, and she is a good friend and I listen to her vent.  She will get through this.

My friend, Linda, whose mom died a week short of a year ago (see blog for September 1, 2006), is once again facing the death of a loved one. Her husband, Dave, was out riding a motorcycle on the 12^th, didn’t see a stop sign and was hit in a country road intersection.  I suppose Linda should be grateful that she had a migraine that day and didn’t go with him, but right now, Dave lay in a coma, with his left temporal lobe and skull removed.  Linda will be pulling the plug today or tomorrow.  It’s gonna take a long time, as she is feeling she can’t live without Dave, but she too will get through this.

Three days ago, I hugged my grandson’s friend T----.  She’s a sweet little girl of 10, always smiling.  My daughter called yesterday to say that T---- had been molested by a neighbor who lives 6 doors down in their not-so-great neighborhood.  The police were at the T---‘s house at that moment.    Today I learned that the cops had confronted the guy who became suicidal saying he’d rather die than go to jail, and then took a few steps toward the door.  The cops missed their mark by a foot or so when they shot him in the leg and arrested him.  T--- will probably never fully get over this.  Children rarely do.

As a sympathetic person, I grieve for my friends and the horrors they are facing and the innocence they have lost, the wounds that must now heal.  At times of dreadful events, their minds are probably turning to the “what ifs?” They are probably wondering what they could have done differently to make the outcome any way other than the way it all unfolded.  In the end, they all will turn around and put their lives, different now, back together

Everyone who has lived longer than 40 years old knows that over time, a person’s center of gravity changes—not to mention his—or in this case-- her energy level diminishes a bit.  For some reason, I just have to keep proving that to myself—refusing to believe that my abilities have been altered too much. 

Maybe this is a case of nostalgic longing, but I had been remembering back to the old days when my mom would drop us off at the Champion Roller Rink on Saturday mornings, then pick us up in the afternoon.  We would spend hours gliding around in circles effortlessly—so long our feet would feel strange when finally placed back into our shoes.

When Dan asked my what I wanted for our 18^th anniversary, I said “roller skates”—not roller blades.  Then, once I got my wits about me, I said,  “Maybe I should go to a roller rink and see if I can even stand up on skates.”  It had been, after all, nearly 35 years since I had seriously skated.

The roller rink is open on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings from 10-noon, and mostly older – and I mean people over 60 – skate at that time.  So, off Dan and I went.  We rented the skates and it’s a good thing we did that before rushing out to buy any.  Dan was steadier than I, but then, he’s 8 years younger.  I was shaky like a toddler on skates, every muscle in my body fighting just to stay balanced.  I am surprised I only fell twice in that 50 minute trial “run” around the rink 5 times.  I’m going to be sore tomorrow, I know.  Right now, I am just exhausted.

Now the question is – do I return from more skating and adult lessons or do I hang it up?  Maybe it’s time to admit that wanting skates was just a way of saying that I want my youth back.  Maybe I should just move on and continue with things I know I can still do—like walk and bicycle for exercise.  The price of admission and skate rental is a small price to pay for that huge lesson.